Hooray, at long last someone has been brave enough to post a question! Thank you Jane. Here’s her question:
“I love being with my man, who actually lives with his partner, we have absolutely magical moments together throughout the year, no one knows about us except us. When we are together we go to great heights in making love it’s just beautiful and then I don’t see or hear from him for weeks then we meet up again and away we go again in this lovely time together. My question is where are we going with this?”
I love that you have asked a question, but you are asking the wrong question! Wanting to know where you are going is about having certainty, knowing what will happen, feeling safe about what will arise in your future. We all have a part of us that wants certainty, but it’s the limited part, the Little Me, the child that needs surety to feel secure. It’s part of being human, but it won’t serve you in creating a relationship that you will love.
The question to ask is: what would I love in a relationship? Let go of needing to know how it will look, or even who it will be with, or where or when. Let all those questions fall away. You can imagine a big heavy dress just falling from your shoulders and puddling on the ground at your feet (chaps, you can imagine knocking a heavy hat off your head and watching it roll away).
You are now standing naked, vulnerable, your heart visible, you are in the realm of infinite possibility. What would you love? Ask yourself the question. Would you love passion, romance, sensual experience, connection, commitment, company, what would you really love to create? It’s what you would love, not what anyone else thinks is good for you, what you suppose you should be doing, what Cosmo says you should want, etc.
You are the creator of your relationship reality. You don’t need to believe that, but you can assume it for now, imagine that it’s true. Imagine that your relationship reality is driven by the part of you that has the most power in your consciousness, the part that you are focused on.
If the Little Me has the power, your relationship will not be fully satisfying and you will be asking questions like “where are we going with this?” We are so used to talking to others about the crap in our relationships, that we very rarely take the time to ask ourselves “what do I actually want? How would I love this to look? What will make my heart sing.” When I first asked myself that question, I was in such foreign territory, all I could come up with was that I’d love a man I could dance with! It doesn’t matter if you start small, just start somewhere.
If your soul/heart (or whatever word works for you) has the power, if you are focused on what you would love to create, you will find that most of the time you enjoy your relationship, you receive what you love and you are deeply satisfied with what you are creating with your partner.
Ask yourself again, what would you love in your relationship? Once you have the answer to that question, own it. Tell people what you would love, tell your partner (if you have one), write it down, make it your intention to create that.
Take any obvious actions towards what you would love. For example, if you would love more affection, be affectionate. If you would love to meet someone who loves to dance, go dancing, take a class etc. If, for example, you would love commitment, then ask for it, say what you would love.
Initially, you may find that your relationship deteriorates or you freak out. If this happens, you have run into the Threshold Guardians. It’s OK, just stay with your intention to create what you would love and know that whatever is going on will pass. For more on Threshold Guardians read this post. It may also become obvious to you that you are not going to create what you love with your current partner. Allow space for that possibility. Notice what takes place.
We are infinitely creative beings, with practice we can create realities, relationships and lives that we love. Acknowledging the Little Me and then refocusing on what you would love will lead you into a relationship reality that you never dreamed possible.
So Jane, what would you love? And everyone else, what would you love?
© 2011 Pollyanna Darling
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