Where Are We Going With This?

Hooray, at long last someone has been brave enough to post a question! Thank you Jane. Here’s her question:

“I love being with my man, who actually lives with his partner, we have absolutely magical moments together throughout the year, no one knows about us except us. When we are together we go to great heights in making love it’s just beautiful and then I don’t see or hear from him for weeks then we meet up again and away we go again in this lovely time together. My question is where are we going with this?”

I love that you have asked a question, but you are asking the wrong question! Wanting to know where you are going is about having certainty, knowing what will happen, feeling safe about what will arise in your future. We all have a part of us that wants certainty, but it’s the limited part, the Little Me, the child that needs surety to feel secure. It’s part of being human, but it won’t serve you in creating a relationship that you will love.

The question to ask is: what would I love in a relationship? Let go of needing to know how it will look, or even who it will be with, or where or when. Let all those questions fall away. You can imagine a big heavy dress just falling from your shoulders and puddling on the ground at your feet (chaps, you can imagine knocking a heavy hat off your head and watching it roll away).

You are now standing naked, vulnerable, your heart visible, you are in the realm of infinite possibility. What would you love? Ask yourself the question. Would you love passion, romance, sensual experience, connection, commitment, company, what would you really love to create? It’s what you would love, not what anyone else thinks is good for you, what you suppose you should be doing, what Cosmo says you should want, etc.

You are the creator of your relationship reality. You don’t need to believe that, but you can assume it for now, imagine that it’s true. Imagine that your relationship reality is driven by the part of you that has the most power in your consciousness, the part that you are focused on.

If the Little Me has the power, your relationship will not be fully satisfying and you will be asking questions like “where are we going with this?” We are so used to talking to others about the crap in our relationships, that we very rarely take the time to ask ourselves “what do I actually want? How would I love this to look? What will make my heart sing.” When I first asked myself that question, I was in such foreign territory, all I could come up with was that I’d love a man I could dance with! It doesn’t matter if you start small, just start somewhere.

If your soul/heart (or whatever word works for you) has the power, if you are focused on what you would love to create, you will find that most of the time you enjoy your relationship, you receive what you love and you are deeply satisfied with what you are creating with your partner.

Ask yourself again, what would you love in your relationship? Once you have the answer to that question, own it. Tell people what you would love, tell your partner (if you have one), write it down, make it your intention to create that.

Take any obvious actions towards what you would love. For example, if you would love more affection, be affectionate. If you would love to meet someone who loves to dance, go dancing, take a class etc. If, for example, you would love commitment, then ask for it, say what you would love.

Initially, you may find that your relationship deteriorates or you freak out. If this happens, you have run into the Threshold Guardians. It’s OK, just stay with your intention to create what you would love and know that whatever is going on will pass. For more on Threshold Guardians read this post. It may also become obvious to you that you are not going to create what you love with your current partner. Allow space for that possibility. Notice what takes place.

We are infinitely creative beings, with practice we can create realities, relationships and lives that we love. Acknowledging the Little Me and then refocusing on what you would love will lead you into a relationship reality that you never dreamed possible.

So Jane, what would you love? And everyone else, what would you love?

© 2011 Pollyanna Darling

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Whatever You’re Thinking, It’s Not True

"What are you thinking?" Photo: Di Harris Photographic

The mind is a weird beastie, very handy for working out how much change the bus driver should have given and whether you need a jumper today, but a monster when it comes to telling the truth about your partner.

Whatever you are thinking about your partner isn’t true. Even if it’s nice!

That’s a cracker isn’t it? Everything that you ‘think’ about your partner is completely made up by you. Your thoughts are driven by your underlying assumptions, almost all of which are dysfunctional ideas about yourself, others and the world, tucked away in your unconscious, quietly creating havoc with your relationships. You made up your assumptions in childhood in response to not having your needs fully met and now they drift around where you can’t see them, just under your awareness, generating your relationship reality. I won’t go into detail here about the formation of assumptions, you’d be reading for the next three days.

These assumptions can be uncovered easily by using your intuition in a structured way.

A tale of world domination and demonic robots

My partner (Asher) and I are currently engaged in publishing my book ‘The Relationship Revelation‘. He’s in charge of publicity. Lately my mind has gone wild with thoughts that Asher is taking over everything, wanting world domination and isn’t focused on what will truly serve us. I have been immobilised by the idea that he has grandiose plans for me and the book that will ultimately result in misery for me. Every time the book sneaks into my awareness, a huge circus of thoughts get going, leading elephants into the ring, swinging from the trapeze and stirring the lions up into a frenzy.

Naturally, as this has been my focus, my reality is proving it. Everything that comes out of Asher’s mouth is more grist for the thought mill. My anxiety levels have soared and I want to run away. We have been unable to have a conversation about the book project without getting into some kind of tight-lipped argy-bargy and I have almost pulled my energy out of the whole thing. Bloody unenjoyable and so easy to slip into.

This morning we sat down together and used an intuitive process to unveil the truth. We looked at what was going on unconsciously for both of us. My underlying assumption was that he was going to kill me, that I’m powerless and unsafe. Every thought I have experienced has been driven by these assumptions.

Interestingly, using the intuitive process, what Asher had running looked nothing like my thoughts about him! Far from my thinking about him as a demonic, mechanistic robot out to kill me, he was actually in a fog of responsibility and incapability.

You would think I would know better than to believe the beastie! Afterall, I spend many hours telling my clients about assumptions and the thoughts and emotions that accompany them. I knew that something had me in its sticky clutches, but I was so captivated by it, I couldn’t see it clearly.

The truth is simple

Assumptions are irrational, nonsensical, seductive and addictive. When they have your focus, you will experience certain thoughts and emotions, and your reality will reflect the assumptions. Hilariously, you will probably have no idea that any of this is going on and you will believe that what you think and feel about partner is truth. It’s NOT.

My dad’s favourite view of God is that of Greek Orthodoxy: whatever you can come up with as being God, can’t possibly be God. God is beyond your thinking and even beyond your imagining. If you’re thinking it, you can rule it out.

It’s the same with your partner! Whatever you think about him/her, about his/her motivations, actions, thoughts etc, isn’t it! Your thinking only informs you about your underlying assumptions. I will know next time I start thinking that Asher is out to conquer the world, seeking fame and untold power, that actually I have been seduced by my assumption that I’m not safe!

Beyond assumptions

There is a world beyond assumptions, thoughts and feelings, a reality of infinite possibilities where you can create a relationship that satisfies you – body and soul. The first step to creating this is to acknowledge that what you ‘think’ and ‘feel’ about your partner bears no relationship to reality.

The second step is to open to the possibility that your partner, who you have chosen to be with, is one of the main ingredients in a delicious, sizzling, sensual recipe for a relationship that you will love. Thinking will ruin your creation.

You are the chef, what would you love to create?

© 2011 Pollyanna Darling

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If you would love to learn more about using your intuition to discover your truth and create a relationship that you will love, contact me. Discover intuitive life coaching with Pollyanna here.

Behaving Badly

You are the creator of your relationship reality. That is the premise that everything written here is based on. You don’t need to believe it. An open mind is enough …

Everyone behaves badly sometimes. Those of us who are short-tempered do it more often than anyone else! Partners generally bear the brunt of bad behaviour. Stress, PMT, a bad day and especially tiredness, all contribute to bad behaviour, which includes (but isn’t limited to) the following:

• Finding fault and criticising most things partner says/does;
• Feeling annoyed by partner’s behaviour and huffing and sighing about it;
• Saying mean things;
• Picking fights over trivial nonsense;
• Resolving the tension of your thoughts about your partner by trying to ‘talk it over’;
• Being openly hostile and rude;
• Shouting, raving and wildly sobbing about either your partner or the state of the relationship;
• Throwing tantrums;
• Making foolish statements like “I think you don’t love me anymore,” and “I think we’d be better off apart,” etc; and
• Expecting rational and reasonable responses to the statements made above.

All of the behaviours I have listed may lead to frosty relations with your partner, lots of arguing and break-ups. I say may because you have a choice. Bad behaviour only leads somewhere if you make it mean something.

For example, if you are experiencing some form of psychological tension, and are having thoughts about your partner’s motivations and behaviour, you might make a foolish statement such as “I think you don’t love me anymore.”  As this statement is made from a deficient part of you that it attempting to resolve tension, you will receive an answer that is in the same vein, such as “I’m not sure how I feel. This will only increase your tension. You may then pick a fight, during which you tell your partner they remind you of your ex. Your partner responds in kind, things deteriorate and you both retreat to lick your wounds.

At this point, most people draw conclusions based on what happened. A review of the partner’s words takes place and meaning is assigned. Meanings can include (but aren’t limited to):

• My partner doesn’t love me;
• I don’t love my partner;
• This relationship is over;
• We shouldn’t be together;
• I am/my partner is a bad person;
• I need to apologise;
• My partner needs to apologise; and
• Things will never be the same between us now.

All of these statements are made up. Bad behaviour is just bad behaviour, it doesn’t mean anything about your partner or your relationship. Remember I said earlier, you have a choice about whether you make it mean anything. You can assign meaning (and make yourself miserable), or you can accept what took place and give it no meaning at all.

If you make your bad behaviour mean something about the relationship, then it will mean something and there will be repercussions. If you know you have been behaving badly, acknowledge your behaviour. I usually say to myself “hmm, well that was me behaving badly.“

Guilt is not necessary or helpful. What took place means nothing, zip, nada, nix. Disregard everything that was said/done. There is one more step that is critical to restoring a relationship reality you enjoy, but first …

Should you apologise?

Now that’s a hairy question. If you are creating your relationship reality and bad behaviour means nothing, what is there to apologise for? An apology implies you have done something to your partner, that they are, in some way, a victim. This isn’t true.

If you are desperate to apologise, ask yourself what meaning you have attributed to your bad behaviour. Will your partner leave you now? Is everything ruined? What are you assuming is going to happen if you don’t apologise? Apologising now will give more of your creative energy to whatever you are afraid will happen. It may not happen today, but it’s on it’s way.

I know all of this sounds outrageous. We are conditioned to believe that our bad behaviour will lead to many kinds of hell. If you can acknowledge the root of your bad behaviour (mine is almost exclusively driven by a belief that I am unlovable), not only will the behaviours lessen over time, but you will understand that whatever took place is not a reflection of reality.

The marvellous thing about behaving badly is that it shows you what you are unconsciously focused on (and have been for some time). Doing anything on the behaving badly list is like a red flag to alert you to your focus, giving you the opportunity to acknowledge what’s going on and refocus on what you would love.

Most importantly
Once you have acknowledged your behaviour, you must shift your focus. What would you love? Is is a swim in the ocean, a cuddle with your partner, a nice glass of red, a long walk in the forest? What would you love? Whatever you would love to do, just do it, even if it involves being affectionate with a partner who you were being rude to ten minutes ago! This can sometimes be difficult and awkward. That’s ok, do it anyway.

Remember, what took place during your lapse into ‘bad behaviour’ doesn’t mean anything. It is never too late to create the relationship you love.

Taking action on what you love will change everything. Try it.

© 2011 Pollyanna Darling

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The Love Room is open for your questions, ask away …

Arguing Is Pointless – How To Stop & Create What You Love

Arguing with your partner is totally pointless, boring and annoying. Why? Because you are really fighting with yourself. You are the creator of your relationship reality. When you start picking at, nagging, criticising or ‘discussing’ problems with your partner, you are actually trying to relieve the psychological tension created by sneaky beliefs that are running around in your unconscious.

Here’s an example: in my limited self, the Little Me, I have a belief that I am unlovable. When I am unconsciously focused on this belief, strange things begin to happen in my relationship. My partner is suddenly unavailable, he works at times when he is usually home, I notice that he is less affectionate than usual, he seems distant and disengaged, etc. This upsets me. I start looking for more evidence of his disinterest and ‘hey presto’, I find it. I get more upset. I start asking probing questions and feeling aggravated.

At this point, I usually recognise that I am gripped by my unlovable belief, as the pattern always plays out in exactly the same way.

If I fail to recognise what’s going on, unpleasant things begin to happen that I don’t enjoy at all. I get very tense and picky. I start sniping and griping. Pretty soon, we’re arguing. My tension increases and I feel incredibly angry. We argue more. Things in my reality are deteriorating rapidly!

The above is what you would see if you were spying on us – it’s the surface illusion. However, under the surface, in my consciousness, my unlovable belief is expanding and expanding, draining all of my creative energy, bulging and morphing like some monstrous creature from Ghostbusters. Each gripey, picky comment feeds it, every second we are arguing it is slathering, drooling and growing more. All the talk about my partner that rattles around in my head, is throwing tidbits to this monster as it fattens up and threatens to take over my life.

Continuing down this path will inevitably lead to a break-up and an obese, salivating unlovable belief which will cause me endless suffering. Yuk!

So, what to do?

This is where you stop feeding the monster. If you find yourself in conflict or preparing for an argument, acknowledge your own tension. Forget about your partner and whatever you think is going on for them. What is it about for you? What hidden belief could it relate to? Is it about trust, powerlessness, insignificance or some other belief? What are you thinking? How do you feel?

Take a moment to observe yourself, check in and enquire into where you’re at. If at any point during this enquiry, you are tempted to refer to your partner and their beliefs, bring your attention back to you. It’s all about you, whether you believe it or not.

Once you’ve discovered what is going on for you, acknowledge it, accept it and let it be there. There’s nothing to be done about it. Note the thoughts and emotions that accompany your hidden beliefs.

Now ask yourself, what would you love? How does your relationship look when it’s exactly as you would love it to be? What is it like when you are enjoying sizzling connection with your partner? What would you love? Use your imagination to really connect to what you would love.

Take action towards what you would love, no matter what your thoughts and feelings tell you. For me this usually means putting my hands on my partner, being affectionate. I refocus on what I love, which is connection, love and passionate creating. Everything changes immediately, even if seconds before we were vigorously mudslinging! Doing this may feel weird at the beginning, that’s ok.

Try it. Stop feeding the monsters and create what you would love.

© 2011 Pollyanna Darling

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What relationship questions would you love to have answered? Leave a comment with your question and I’ll get to it as soon as I can.

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